Oh God, how could I have---

I never meant--- I didn't know I--- Of course I knew, but I tried to forget I thought--- I thought---
     It was so easy to, I never thought I would do something like this, I never thought I could--- But she made it so easy, she told me time and again it had to be right, it couldn't be wrong if we felt it that strongly, and truly loved one another, and we did, but--- oh God, how could I have done it? All my life, I never understood, but now I do, it was so easy... too easy... and now I'm torn apart and so is all the world with me, or at least my world, and I can no longer see beyond that...
     And it was there, just there! Every thing in this room is now and then and for always connected to her. There, she often took books from the shelves, or left me notes hidden between the pages of my favorite books. There, she once perched on the table, holding her arms out to me, and I embraced her and we laughed, she felt so warm in my rms. There, her light foot tread on the golden-hued boards, as we danced to a new song which the radio played. There, her dress brushed against the chair, as I leaned her against the wall and kissed her with such passion... There, we closed the drapes, hiding as young lovers from the outside world... There, we lay together, on the sofa, and... and made love. We held each other so many times that I cannot begin to count, we embraced and caressed, there was madness of kisses, our bodies yearned so strongly for each other, we could never long resist.. And oh, it was such heaven to hold her, and to be held by her, to be so close against her warm full bosom, to feel the softness of her skin and gentle grace of her curves and--- and it felt so right! We were so happy while together, so filled with warmth and comfort... and she told me she loved me, and I knew - do I still know? - it was true, her eyes could not have hidden anything from me. We loved, and still she loved him, and I... I let her love me, for oh, God, I loved her! My every thought was to her happiness, all of my concerns were bent on how to please her... I gave no thought to myself, for I had no need to - she knew before I did myself what I most needed. She knew me far better than I knew myself...
     Ha. Far better, it seems... I would never have known I was a man capable of loving another man's wife. I wonder is she saw that within me, and so chose to--- No, I cannot believe that. She loved him, and loves him still.
     I was an unexpected accident, a small scratch on an otherwise smooth surface, a rough spot on a polished floor. I am a stain that can never quite be removed, as she is to me. I can never be rid of her, though I should never see her again.
     But I will... I shall see her on the street, or in the company of friends, at holiday parties and on social visits.
     For if I ended my friendship with her husband... there would be many questions I could not answer.
     And for all the times that I will see her, all the rest of my days, never again will I see her in my arms. May God strike me down if ever I do. I have sinned enough for one lifetime in my past, I will seek to make my future as blameless as ever I may, in hopes that I may be forgive. Does He not say that He will wash us clean, if we truly seek forgiveness of Him? But I have sinned so deeply, and...
     And do I truly regret what I have done? It tears me so deeply inside, thinking that I could, even now, when it has ended, the knowledge of this, I could ruin entirely what might otherwise have been a full lifetime of joy for them. I would shatter that trust, and true trust is so rare, and so precious, but I have jeopardized that for them. And that knowledge will forever blacken my soul. But... She gave me so much, together we had so much. Never had I truly trusted another soul as I did her, never had I felt my heart be so safe as with her, never had I felt confident in myself, as she allowed me to be... And she was - is - so beautiful, I remember her lips and skin and touch, so caring and tender and delicate, her fingers so sure and skillful. And her eyes, ah! They could melt me in a moment with love, or pin me to a wall with their dominating desire. And her desires ran so hot and passionate.... Her heart and body needed more than one man could provide... and I do not think that such a trait could change so soon, nor, by all appearances, has it. And I wonder what lies in the future of such a woman, when she has promised herself to one man, and already broken that promise once.
     I want with all my heart to have been different, I do not want to be merely one of a string of lovers. And... I do not want her to have to maintain a string of lovers. I do not want her to have to lie, or him to be lied to... and most of all, I could not bear to see her hurt. I know how I have hurt her... I, who knew her better than everyone but him (better, in some ways). And still I was insensitive, and still I broke her heart, and still I did not have it within me to keep her happy. I was not enough, no matter how I longed and how I tried, I always fell short, I could never---
     But we were not meant to be together, we should never have been... though then, it felt so right... God, why did You blind us so? Why fool us into feeling so strongly, and letting us love so strongly that it was more than enough reason for us, more than enough justification for anything we felt moved to do, why--- Oh God, why did You have us ever meet? We have each other so much but now all of that and more is gone, and even the memory is tarnished and stained, even the most beautiful moments have become disfigured, and my chest is torn open every time I think of her, I do not know if it is in hate or in longing but it hurts, God, why let me hurt so deeply? Why wound me so? What purpose could this disaster hold, I know I was wrong, I helped her to break man's most sacred vows but God! You gave us so much love that we grew intoxicated and could not see, I did not know--- but I did! I did and I ran from the truths which tore me from within, I ran from what I knew was right because I was happy. I was happy, I felt--- I felt loved, and important, and cared for, and...
     And I was no longer alone.
     And I knew she needed me. She needed to be told, so often, that she was loved, and she needed to be loved, body and soul, she needed to know she was beautiful. Mirrors lie and so may lovers but she trusted me...
     I do not know if she does still.
     And I do not know myself any longer, that I have done a thing like this... How can I trust myself when I have betrayed my own morals, which all my life I have held so tightly to? Who am I now, for I am not the person I claimed to be, I am no longer the person I made myself, I am---
     I am no longer who I once was, and never will be again. I cannot be what I once was...
     She made me feel so much myself, even as she was slowly siphoning my self away, too slowly for me to notice it... I was subsumed by she who was my only desire, I let myself be overrun. I looked only to her, and hers was the only opinion that mattered, I simply accepted that I had been wrong, and took the reprimands when they came, and then tried... oh God, how I tried! All I wanted was for it to work, but of course it couldn't, sin begets only sin and sorrow, what is grown of sin will never bear the fruit of true happiness. And yet I tried so hard to make it so, I nourished that diseased plant with all of my soul, letting it feed even on my very self, and did not realize it began to strangle me as it grew, taking more and more from me, and trapping what was left...
     I feel I make this too dramatic, yet... yet despite the distance I have forced myself from it, I can still feel her influence on me, I still... I know how easily I could go back, I no longer understand it but I remember how happy I was... I know how securely I blinded myself, though I do not know how it happened... and that is all the more reason I feel its power, for I know not what warning signs to look for. So I keep myself far away... though I long for the innocence of our indiscretions.
     I was happier in my sin than I am in my righteousness.
     I cannot return to her, but nor can I return to who I was before, I am changed and do not know how to find my way...
     I still think of her at night, when my arms ache from having no-one to hold, and my breast cries for hers to be against it... I remember what bliss it was, to lie with her, on the sofa just there, and see her eyes gazing with such love and assurance into mine, and feel her relaxed and trusting in my arms, and the taste of her lips and skin... There is no detail I do not remember, of her body, of her voice, of her laugh, of her gestures and expressions... There is no sensation which I cannot yet feel in my memory, through I shall never truly feel any of them again... I think of her at night, but she will not come to me, nor love me any longer, not even in dreams.
     And I fear that she might, and I miss her so terribly, and---
     I do not want... I wish it had never happened but I do not regret our love, I--- I am stained for ever and a part of me will always be dark with guilt. I am forever grateful for the love she gave me, so many things I needed I would never have gained were it not for her. There is nothing which can be reconciled, I am forever torn in twain, I do not know if I can ever be whole again.
     I had thought she was the answer, we loved so deeply, and gave so much, and shared and felt so much... and it was all--- The love was not wrong, we truly felt it, no regret will ever change that. How can loving someone be wrong? But I--- what we did was so wrong, I do not know if I can forgive myself, I only pray that God may. But what in my world is certain if I will betray even the principles I hold most dear? What sort of person would---
     But it felt so right, to both of us...
     We loved, and we loved fully and deeply... and I wanted to love, there was so much to love about her. So many things about her I admired, I found so much beauty in her, so generous and warm...
     It was so hard to let go, and I am so frightened of letting myself near her again, for I know how much power I gave her over me... and I dare not let it happen again.
     But we were so happy... When we were together, the thought of her being another man's wife never passed through my mind, all I thought of was what I could do to please her, and show her how deeply I loved her. I never questioned, only loved. And I know she yet loved him, as well as me, and I knew he did not suspect, on the rare times I thought of the truth of our situation....

     It would tear him apart if he knew.
     It would tear them apart.
     And I am the cause, I---

     Yet how can I say that love was wrong? It was true between us, it filled out eyes and thoughts and hearts, there was nothing we would not have done for the other, I gave her all I had... and sacrificed even my morals for love.
     And I no longer know what is left of me...