I remember my life before you.

I moved through each day as a man without a soul, as a mere cog in the world's machinations. I had no desire to continue, but nor had I any desire to stop. It seemed I should go on with my life, occupying it with what activity came my way, because it seemed I ought to do things if for no other reason than that I had a body capable of so doing. I do not mean I felt nothing at all - there was yet pleasure, pain, occasional sorrow, surprise, excitement.
       But viewing the landscape of my past from the vantage point I have since gained, I see only grey plains of a dry flatness, I see nothing at all worth having.
       I admit, I once rather disdained those who let loose their emotions so freely, as letting go a horse's reigns, rather than training it to a productive type of action. Such passions seemed only to add unnecessary difficulties and anguishes, I saw no reason why I should let them control me, rather than the logical intelligence I knew already I was capable of. it was then unfathomable to me why anyone would live otherwise. Living at the every whim of fickle emotions seemed not only troublesome, by virtue of not having control of your own self, but counter-productive to a useful existence as well.
       How could I have lived that long, never even realizing there had to be more..?
       But there - I did, I merely hid this from myself. Loneliness is an emotion, you see. Letting others close seemed pointless - could I not handle my own difficulties with my own intellect? What is a man if the problems which occur in his own life alone cannot also be overcome by him alone? It did not seem necessary for me to let anyone see my deepest self, it was too flawed and weak to be on the outside. And so, I carefully crafted a self to show - not a mere façade, for it was still myself, only without the emotions, without the guilt or concern for other persons that would complicate social matters. Purely utilitarian - this self was blunt, hiding no opinion, taking only what was useful from others. I was neither happy nor unhappy, and yet...
       In those few moments when I paused, in the times where there was no activity to distract me, when my world was for a brief space silent and my thoughts unoccupied... It was then that the questions spoke, that I felt and thus grew nervous and afraid - and alone. I knew that no-one should ever know me as I knew myself, and a part of me rebelled against the unfairness of my own barriers, but in larger part... I left alone. No man - nor woman - was meant to survive in utter isolation. There is no completeness in a life such as that, though I did as well as anyone could in trying to so convince myself. I was alone, and I knew I felt it, but I was certain it was possible for me to bear it. And it was...
       But I had never known fulfillment. And I had never felt the completion that a true love can bring... I should have laughed had the idea of completely caring and working toward more for another's happiness over my own. I held nothing against those who were "in love", I simply believed them to be weaker than myself, foolishly clinging to an easy answer, when I had found one better.
       Yet, for all that, I never quite permitted myself the touch of another. My body certainly longer for it, and many things suggested that physical desires tend to fall in separate from emotional ties, and yet... I could have sought to quench my flesh's thirst, and no-one, myself probably included, would have held me in any semblance of derision. Perfectly natural, in all likelihood far more healthy. only - something deeply buried chose otherwise. Sometimes harangued for it, sometimes sympathized with, sometimes merely given a knowing chuckle - I did not myself quite know why I refrained...
       Though I do now, knowing now how much a union such as that can mean... At the first, I could see it meant far more to you than me, and that troubled me some... but what concerned me most, I soon realized, was that I in my lack of feeling might hurt yours. And I was worried, I began to trust you, all my thoughts of the future began to include you in them, I saw you as an inherent part of my life... and I was uncertain of what bound me so closely to you, and so I worried about how strong that bond might be, and if it might hold.
       And you knew what it was, with hardly a moment's thought, you could see what lay deep within me, though it was hidden from even myself. I had spent so long studying myself, learning to read me inner motives and understand the interworkings of my thoughts and desires. I had thought I could manage my own difficulties, I had thought there was nothing within myself that I could not handle also within myself.
       It was trust. You, in your carefree naïveté, you in your passions and unevenness, you in your brilliance of thought but silly blunders in sense, saw what I could not. This was both unsettling and a relief to me... and I felt closer still to you because of it.
       And I knew then that it was in you that I would find what had never been in my life. It sounds such a cliché, that you complete me... but so it was, my love, you filled the hole I had sought to hide from even myself. I never knew such closeness was possible, I had long believed my inner self should never be seen by anyone outside of me. There was no reason to let such vulnerability be known, and who should understand it better than I?
       And I did have trust in you. Trust in you, and what we built together between us, and what we should form in future. I was frightened still at times, I acted cold on occasion to hide my own tentative hopes, I was afraid of relying too much on what could be taken from me...
       And so it was. But looking back, I would have no been colder and more distant, to protect myself from what I now know was coming, I would have held all the tighter to you... maybe if I held tight enough, you couldn't have been taken from me... No, I know I would have been hurt again, perhaps still deeper, but it would have been more than worth the hurt to have loved you fully for even a minute longer.
       You brought so much newness to my life, so many colors I never dreamed, nor could have dreamed I needed or desired. You found within me things I did not know I possessed.
       And you... so many things in you, I never thought I could love or understand. You and I are so different, in our beliefs and views of the world around us, in our reactions and manners of thinking... Yet you find the words I need, I find the explanations you cannot see, each of us supplies what the other does not yet have.
       The hole within me that I worked hard all my life to fill, the self-dialogues I developed to replace the need for interpersonal conversation, the consummating activity I enveloped myself in... none of that was what I truly needed, the answer was far simpler, I just had yet to encounter it.
       It was you, you and only you, the answer to questions I had tried to forget. you are the balm to my ills, the cure to a disease I could never have resolved on my own. Your grace soothed my rough corners, your brightness lessened my sadness, your passions reminded me of those I had hidden away, your weaknesses helped to find my strengths.
       But your weakness grew to more than my strength could carry, no matter what I--- I tried so hard, I--- Oh my heart, if only I--- I couldn't we always knew but--- oh---

       He breaks down, falling heavily to his knees on the floor, his body collapsing onto the wooden boards. He presses his hands harder against his face, vision breaking into a dark kaleidoscope, but still not keeping away the image of his lover's face, every moment hanging before him, ever present and always now beyond his reach. His body shaking, he presses his palms harder, hands soaked with tears, he fights to keep them from slipping from his face, trying so hard to keep the light blocked out. There is nothing he wants to see in this world, nothing but his love, whom his eyes will never again find.
       There is no control now, he has lost all orientation, there is nothing in his world but her face set against darkness. His consciousness is fallen into an endless loop, her face soft with love, the brightness of her smile, the pain in her eyes as they closed with a shudder---
       He screams at the pain which rends his heart in two, he is as helpless as he was to help her.

       Why? Oh God, why give me such an answer if You were only going to take it from me? All my life, I planned, I worked out every contingency for all that I did, everything was planned in full, I kept a control over each small aspect, but now--- I did all I could! And all for nothing, all my effort comes to nothing, what I have worked all my life to master in the end was of no use. I did all I could for you, all I could, and still---
       What more could I have done? I did all I could, I would have done anything, I did everything I did all a man could why couldn't I keep you here? Now more than ever I need you to balance my shortcomings, and you aren't here, you won't ever be here again, how am I--- I can't I can't, how can I face life without you? Now that I know what fills the hole in me is you... I can't be without you. you are my completion, there is no life for me without you...

       He is exhausted, his emotions having run so hot and hard, his muscles tense and breathing labored, his hands and face soaked with tears. His voice is raspy, worn from anguished cries and tormented pleas, his lungs have no power left, his muscles no will to continue. Even his thoughts grow weary, blurring and fogging, too full of memory and images and questions to focus on any one for any stretch of time. His soul has moved in such short time from love to longing to outrage to desperation to resignment. He feels even his physical self as a thing, empty shell, in the absence of his belovèd.

       Your eyes... I see your eyes and they look right at me, though I know they will never open again... It was your eyes I first saw, your eyes that first drew me to you. So large and so blue, but as with everything about you, even the color was not so simple as that. Blue skies with hints of a green living earth below, sparkling brightness resting atop an ocean deep, yet intimate as a pool found in a hidden forest glen. Wide and always searching, full of wonder at each detail they light upon. your eyes reflected back all the beauty they would find. Long dark lashes make them all the lighter, darkness only shows light to be brighter, you often said, and you were brighter than any star to me, my love...

       His eyes are clenched closed, he cannot bear to open them and see only her absence. Yet he knows this is what he will find - again the tears overcome him, dripping from his face and from between his fingers, slipping into the wooden floor below, soaking his sorrow into the room's very foundations.

       What can I--- I can't live without you, not any longer, you were all in the world that I needed. I once thought I needed a large house, a thick wallet, a well-paying job, everything latest convenience, a thick pocketbook, most likely a wife, and perhaps a son, but I soon learned... So soon after I met you, I realized my dreams had grown faint, and I did not mind that they had. All that mattered was to be with you, to feel the closeness that we share, to hold you and provide for you, to see your smile, and to be soothed by you when I am overcome by worry. Anything that you do not need, I find I no longer need. I--- you are my life, I can have no other, you are all I need... You are all I need... please, I want only to be with you... only you... I would do anything for you... my heart and will shall only ever be yours, always devoted to you... there is nothing I have ever cherished as I cherish you... you are the answer I did not know it was possible to find... in all the word, we somehow found each other... could we not find each other again? My heart is bound so strongly to yours, so tightly it feels as a noose now, with you so far from me... Could I not just follow that which binds us, and find my way back to your side?
       Is this selfish of me? Am I holding to you too tightly? If I appeared beside you now, tear-stained and overwrought as I am, would you only smile kindly and shake your head, as a mother to a child she has been away from no more than a few minutes? Would-- no! I cannot believe that! I was not alone, that is the reason it is so strong, our adorations of each other overlapped and formed something much stronger than either of us could have ever forged alone. you must be feeling the same pain as I, oh--! oh my love, I cannot let you be alone, not if your hurt is even a hundredth of mine (though I know this is not so), I never could bear to se you saddened... You told me how alone you once felt - and I know how deeply it hurt you, for I knew the same pain, though I never let it show as I am doing now - I would do anything to keep you from feeling it again. Whenever your eyes began showing the slightly glistening of tears, I--- I---

       Again he breaks down, the memory of her face in sadness tearing him utterly apart, making flood-ravaged mud of any last defenses he had. His own pain, and moreso, the pain of knowing his love is filled with sorrow, and is alone in it... this, he cannot withstand. he is helpless, he cannot go to her and enfold her in the safety of his arms and love as he had always done. Were there any distance to run, he would do it; were there any price to pay, he would pay it.
       But the barrier between flesh and spirit is so great, it cannot be crossed by any but the strongest wish a human soul can make, with all of its power. The river is wide, the current strong, and only one payment will the ferryman take.

       He knows he can pay it.

       If that is the hurdle I must reach the other side of, if that is the wall which now keeps you from hearing my voice, and feeling my touch... I will cross it, it does not matter to me what I must do to do so.
       I love you. I will love you forever. I do not know if I will find you, but I will expend every bit of energy within me, I will reach farther than my hands can grasp, I will call farther than my voice can reach.
       I still feel your love with me, it has only grown soft with distance, I know it is still there, it is only muffled by the barrier which stands between us, the border of flesh and spirit, I will cross it to find you, I am offering Hades no bargain, no trickery. I will not cheat him of his due, I have no need to bring you back, only be with you... I will come stay beside you, I cannot be whole without you, I will keep my promises to you, and stay with you always.
       I will love you forever, there is nothing that could change that, I would never want to deny our love, but even if I tried I could not remove your presence from me, I should still always be thinking of you, I would still worry and care for you. you are a necessary part of me forever now, I could not change that, nor would I. I love you. I am yours, you are mine. I love you, I love you, I love you forever, through anything, not even death's shroud can hide your face from my mind nor your beauty from my will to love. I love you...

       He is slowly moving upward from his place kneeling on the floor. Clutching at the low bookcase before him for support, he slowly, slowly pulls himself up. His usually strong frame has little strength left, his heart is no longer in the world of the living, it has already followed after his love down into the underworld. His empty body clumsily stands, leaning on the bookcase, bent and weary, as a man far older than his years.

       I will find you. I will hold you again. I will always love you. I will be there with you. I will not see you saddened, I will be there to hold you and keep it all away. I will keep you with me. Neither of us will be complete without the other, neither can survive with such a large part removed.
       I will find you... I love you... I love you... I need you...

       Resting on the top of the bookcase are several photographs in delicate frames, faces smiling gently from murky shadows. His hand, trembling slightly, reaches toward one photograph in particular - a young woman, with soft dark curls and bright eyes, a shy smile set in a gentle face. Not so beautiful that it should earn either of them any jealousy from others, but pretty enough, and a warm demeanor adding more beauty than a perfect face or figure ever could. "My love..." he whispers, his voice hushed and cracked, broken with emotion, as his fingertips brush faintly across the image of the face he has not for a moment stopped seeing. "My love... I will see you soon... I will be with you... don't go too far, I'm on my way to you..." Drawing back his shaking fingers a moment, he presses his lips firmly to his fingertips, then touches them gently to the sun-faded smile of his belovèd. "I love you," he whispers, voice breaking with tenderness, his already wet face warmed anew by fresh tears - but they are not from helplessness now, there are tears of relief mixed in as well. Slowly letting his fingers trail down the photograph, lingering on the image of his only desire, he rests back on his knees, even when closed his eyes never turning from her face. Reaching into the pocket of his black dress jacket, his fingertips skim lightly over cold steel, wrapping around it, the warmth of his skin doing little to alter the deathly chill of the metal. There is no fear in him, and the sadness is waning. His heart beats faster - but from its eagerness to reach its counterpart, not from trepidation.

       My love... so soon... do not wander far into death's domain... wait near the gate for me... you know I could not leave you to face it alone... my promises to you reach beyond life, beyond death.

       As one hand closes around a handle of inlaid wood, the fingers of his other hand yet rest against the photograph, holding to any connection, no matter how tenuous. His knees have grown sore and legs stiff from so long kneeling on the old wooden boards, but he does not feel it. The house is silent, but for a strong wind creeping in through aged window frames and his own husky breathing. He barely registers the scraping of metal against his teeth, only a slight chill in his mouth, slowly spreading...

       There is nothing in this world now that can fill this empty place within me. I survived it so long before only because I had hope it might someday be filled. And so it was. but now the only thing which could do so is gone, and will not return, and there is nothing in the world which could be to me as you are. you are the missing piece within me, and grew into so much more beyond that, entering every part of my being, complimenting and filling things within me I did not even know were incomplete. All of my self now revolves around you, all my cares and desires are only for you, every goal I once had has left, I want only to work toward your happiness. My life, my self, is nothing without you, you are all the meaning my soul seeks to have, I want nothing more than you, nothing more. I love you... I am coming to you, my only love...
       The metal is cold with the death it promises, but the chill which seeks to still my blood no longer concerns me, I feel only the warmth of your love reaching out to me beyond the borders of the flesh. I will see you soon, I am just behind you, I love you I love---

       A sharp pain explodes, the smoke spews acridly into my throat and nose and lungs, small sharp cuts and the taste of metal, steel and blood, I love you, dark explosions and I love you I'm burning seared by heat and pain and I love you, I love---